Rick's Personal Blog
2002-02-07 - 10:06 a.m.
We have been talking a lot lately. Her attitude has changed since THIS happened. Both of our attitudes have changed about the idea of our marriage. She has told me about some things she has been struggling with. None of them have really much to do with me at all. They really have more to do with things about her that bother her about the way she was raised. It has a lot to do with the perception she has of herself, and that is largely because of the way her mother treated her. Her self-image as a woman has suffered greatly because of this. Her mother had pushed her off from one person to the next, and when they were together, it was usually stressful. She tells me that she was never taught how to be a woman and that if you are woman; you should hate yourself. She is afraid of passing this attitude along to No. 3
I have to admit that at this time I don’t fully understand why she hates being a female. But I do know this; there was no one in her life as a child who cherished her, and made her feel special. Then at the age of 19, she met a horny teenager named Rick who had even less of an idea of how to treat a woman.
So there we were at the ages of 20 and 21… getting married. Neither one of had a clue of what we were getting into. In retrospect, we both agree that we were way to young to even consider it. That’s what really sucks about hindsight; if you could change it, you’d have to give up everything that was part of what you created, the bad and the good. And I wouldn’t trade No. 1, No. 2, and No. 3 for anything.
The point to all of this is that we are talking.
The other night she went out with some girlfriends from work. They all went out together to show some support for one of the girls who just recently left her husband who was hitting her. After hearing about everything this idiot had done to her, Cheryl came home and hugged me.
So despite all the stress I’ve been under, there have been some bright spots. And this is a bright spot I pray gets brighter. We have been going to church together. We have been talking. I admit that there is still a lot of hurt there, for both of us, and it is going to take me a while to forgive her, and myself as well. But we are talking.
and I love her still
Later,
Rick
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