Rick's Personal Blog
2002-06-10 - 9:40 a.m.
Something that I have never really discussed here is my past. A large portion of my life that aside from the 3 entries about my faith I’ve never really touched. The reason I’ve not written about it here is largely do to the fact that I used to be a major idiot. I wasn’t born that way; due to circumstances in my life, I chose to be that way. I’m not proud of it, and I have spent the last 20 years trying to fix the mistakes I made early on.
Unfortunately, I made a lot of mistakes trying to fix the mistakes… This is what you get when you pray for patience and wisdom. God never just gives anything to you. If you want the patience of Job, then you must be willing to subject yourself to the trials of Job.
So here I am, 20 years later, still living, and still learning about this fellow named Rick. I have a confession to make: I graduated last in my High School class. The sad thing is that I didn’t even know, nor did I care until I needed transcripts for college. Everyone I knew basically thought I was stupid, and I never really understood why. Cheryl thought I was crazy for even attempting college. I was angry, and hurt about that. But I had earned that reputation, and I had to overcome it.
I made the dean’s list at that school 6/9 quarters I attended there and I am currently in the top 10% of my class at UD.
I have this reoccurring dream where I have forgotten assignments, or have fallen behind. So, it is fair to say that one of my greatest fears is not doing well. The funny thing is that I didn’t know that until just last week.
A week ago Saturday I was in the midst of studying for the first Physics exam. I came down with this nasty flu bug that kept me up all night. I studied all day Sunday, and I was ready for the test. And then like I mentioned in the last entry I missed the test, and one day of class. Tuesday night, I slept decently, Wednesday night, not a wink. The make-up test was on Thursday, and I had to leave work early to try and get some sleep before the test. I took the test and did well, but I was still behind in my homework… Very behind. I had to get through 3 chapters to get caught up.
In short, last week I got possibly 10 hours of sleep all week. Friday night, I still couldn’t sleep. Saturday night, I fell asleep at around 4 am, and managed to sleep until noon. I spent the rest of the day Sunday finishing the rest of my homework, and at 8:45 pm I was done.
Last night, I slept like a rock.
All last week I was having these terrible anxiety attacks, so bad that I was actually laying awake in bed at night in a cold sweat with my heart pounding in my chest. That anxiety is gone.
Cheryl was scared to death; my boss even told me he was worried about me. I know that I am really the only person pushing me, and the stress that I live with might be starting to overwhelm me. But even with all of that, I learned some lessons about myself that I never knew before. 1. I can overcome the worst of circumstances, and 2. I will not tolerate failure any longer. I was a constant failure in my youth, in fact, I was proud of it. I wore it like a badge. But looking at that person the way he was motivates me to never be like him again.
This is why I stress myself out. I’m always trying to prove I’m not the person I once was. And whenever I see him come around... I freak.
Later,
Rick
My Reads: