Rick's Personal Blog
2002-08-13 - 10:21 p.m.
It’s been a while.
I’ve been busy. I had to decrease my dosage on Paxil. It turned out that 20 mg was too much. The side effects were getting the best of me. The anxiety attacks are gone now. I hope to be totally off this stuff by Christmas.
School starts again in two weeks. Can’t believe it either.
Well, I’m beginning to wonder if Cheryl and I are going to make it. I’ve been a very patient man for many years. I have tolerated a lot. She could say the same. The truth is that she harbors everything. She never forgives. I said something off the cuff the other night. Quite possibly what a lot of couples say to each other when they are joking around. I’m not going to repeat it here, but trust me, it was harmless.
She went off on me. Then she sent me an email scud telling me how terrible what I did was, and it was just when she was starting to feel something for me again. Of course now she is done putting any more effort into this relationship… Again…
This is most likely the 20th time in the last 4 years I’ve heard that same line. You would think that I beat her on a regular basis, that I cheat on her continually, or that I’m a violent alcoholic who is abusive to her and her kids. The truth is that I am none of the above. I just don’t think she can handle happiness. I think that when things are going good that she gets scared, and sub-consciously wants to find a reason not to commit herself.
I have done nothing but try to change for her. I’ve said this before… I know. Every time we go down this road, it’s different. At first it was very painful… now it just makes me angry, and more apathetic toward her
She knows she pissed me off this time. I’m avoiding her. She told me to “please disregard the email she sent. I want to tell her that it’s her turn. She either gets the help she knows she needs, or we are done.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life being punished for what the baggage she carries. I’ll stick around till the kids are gone, but if she refuses to do what is needed to work this out, I’m going to pursue my life without her.
I can’t deal with her self indulgent crap anymore. Its really selfish.
Later
Rick
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